


Innocence

by IWasAlwaysDead



Series: The Darkness In Light [1]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Love, M/M, Pseudo-Incest, Sins of the Father
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:55:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 20,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23950414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWasAlwaysDead/pseuds/IWasAlwaysDead
Summary: Light battles with the guilt of losing L in a fatal car accident while also raising L's biological son as his own. Things begin to change when L reaches a certain level of maturity. This is the first book in a series.
Relationships: Amane Misa/Other(s), L & Mello | Mihael Keehl, L/Misora Naomi, L/Yagami Light
Series: The Darkness In Light [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726606
Comments: 34
Kudos: 15





	1. Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> I am currently working with AO3 on deleting my orphaned works from the site so that there is no worry about reposting them under my new name. I had thought I deleted them when I deleted my account. I didn't realize they were orphaned. I would like to post them again under my new name and continue my WIPS. 
> 
> The reason I deleted my account was out of fear of my abusive husband. I have since moved out, am safe, and will be writing without fear from now on! My friends NiaChase and AnotherLostSoul can vouch for me being the original author of the works I plan to repost. My hope that is very soon it will be a non issue and that I'll never have to delete my account again!
> 
> For those of you who have read my work before, I am EvenThoughIDied and Iflyinmydreams. I'm currently on Tumblr under EventhoughIdied so check me out! I post lawlight scribbles now and I'm trying to get back into drawing. Thank you for reading this note and I hope you enjoy the fic!

Light loved his little boy with all his heart. He wouldn't change a thing about how he came into existence. But this explosive diarrhea in his diaper was not  Light’s idea of fatherhood. Perhaps he had  romanticized things a bit,  dreaming of a happy baby who smiled and laughed and never got sick. The baby in his dreams certainly never wound up covered in smelly green shit. “I'm going to have to take you into the shower, little man.”

Bracing for impact, Light lifted the crap covered kid and held his breath, shuddering at the squishy feel of shit between his fingers. “I might throw up,” Light said as he scurried to the shower, hoping nothing dripped onto the floor.

Thankfully, none did, and as the water washed away the evidence of such a catastrophe, the soap hid the smell. Light thought perhaps he could keep his lunch down after all. Baby L didn't much appreciate showers and cried as the warm water pelted his delicate skin. Light soothed him, and pretty soon little L was freshly changed and asleep in his father's arms.

Setting his baby in his crib, Light climbed back down the stairs to his home office. For a moment he admired the picture of him and L on his desk. With a sigh, he got to work.  Taking over for L was a big job and Light had decided this would be his final case. He wanted to spend his days being the best dad he could be, and the money L had left him would make that a reality for him. 

It had been a little over a year since L's passing, and while his child served as an excellent distraction, Light knew he was permanently scarred from it.  He blamed himself and carried around the guilt and shame of having killed his  baby's biological father. L never even got to meet his son. He died before even knowing the surrogate had conceived.

Light would never again text and drive. It was the distraction of his phone that caused him to pull out in front of a semi.  L died on impact, and the police couldn't find any evidence that Light was on his phone and he _ certainly _ wasn't going to tell them  that’s what had happened. It would've been a murder charge. He would be in prison right now if they'd found out. Perhaps that was part of his guilt. Not only did he survive, but he escaped punishment he _ deserved _ to live a good life with a beautiful child in a large house and financial security. All compliments of L.  It haunted him daily. What he wouldn't give to go back and change things.

Several more hours passed as Light worked and he didn't move from his place at his well organized desk until he heard crying in the baby monitor.  Looking up at the clock on the wall, he realized it was dinner time for them both. He hadn't even realized he was hungry.  Good thing baby L was on a schedule or he’d let himself waste away.

Stretching as he ascended the stairs, Light called out to his son that he was coming, and the baby stopped crying once he realized he was being rescued from his crib. “Oh, good. You didn't explode this time,” Light said as he lifted his stinky baby. His poop was still soft,  but not a disaster like earlier. At least L wasn’t sick anymore and keeping them both up all hours of the night.

After a change,  Light fixed L's bottle as he defrosted some homemade baby food. Light was pretty particular about his son’s diet, and made sure he only ate the healthiest things. He had a sneaking suspicion that would all go out the window when he was older and discovered sugar, however. If he was anything like his dad, he'd live on a steady diet of candy. “Not if I can help it,” Light mumbled to himself as he stirred the sweet potato mash he'd warmed for baby L.  L was a big fan of the sweet potatoes and carrots Light made, but not so much the peas. 

L made quite the mess as he reached for the spoon, attempting to feed himself.  Light simply laughed at his smart baby. He was only  6 months old but already bright as ever.  Of course, Light didn't expect any less. He’d already picked out the prestigious and expensive private school L would be attending once he was old enough. It was a special school for gifted students, and L was certainly gifted. He could already say a handful of words and was starting to pull himself up and attempt walking.  “Yum!” L announced,  orange baby food smeared all over his precious face and hands.

“Yes, it’s very yummy,” Light agreed as he attempted to clean his baby off.

After dinner, Light let baby L down to explore the house and play with his toys.  Light kept a careful eye on him as he boiled the pasta for his own chicken carbonara dinner.  L played with his favorite stuffed penguin, and as Light sat down to eat, he noticed L had pulled a blanket over himself and fallen back asleep with his penguin.  L couldn't say the word penguin, so he called his favorite toy  “ Peggin ”. Light laughed every time he heard it.

“Time for bed, kiddo,” Light said as he scooped his baby up. One final diaper change and L was in his crib fast asleep. “I love you, buddy.” Light said as he kissed that soft white skin. Baby L was easily the best thing in his life.  He thanked L daily for making this child a reality for him, though he wished L were there to help raise him.

Light turned on L's sound machine and went downstairs to straighten up the kitchen before heading to bed himself. Tomorrow he'd hand over his last case to the police and retire. He couldn't wait. It would just be him and L after that. 


	2. Terrible Two's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L is a toddler now!

The years passed by far too fast for Light's comfort. Before he knew it, L was two years old and  potty training. Candy made the perfect bribe to get what he wanted out of the toddler, as he knew it would.  His super smart toddler picked it up fast, and Light was ecstatic that his days of changing diapers was over. 

They’d also made some friends along the way. Misa was a short, pretty blond whose husband loved  snorting little white lines more than her and their little boy, Mello. According to Misa, her now ex husband or “has-been” as she calls him, was high and insisted on the name at the time of their sons birth.  She met Light and L at the playground the day her son stole L's stuffed penguin and pushed him down. L's screaming could be heard clear across the park, and Misa was completely mortified. She made it up to them by buying them both ice cream after,  punishing Mello by making him sit and have nothing while he watched everyone else eat. Light laughed and thought she was a pretty good mom to this demon child of hers. It made him grateful for L, who was honestly super low key unless he somehow found Light’s candy stash and raided it. L was no fun on a sugar high.

Every since that day L and Mello were best friends.  Misa and Light became pretty close as well, and didn't even miss a beat to find out he was gay.  “You can be my shopping buddy! And we'll get Mani's and  peddi's together!” Light just laughed at the short, bubbly blond and agreed.

Sometimes she showed up to the playground with Mello and her special “adult beverage” if she’d had a particularly difficult day dealing with her has-been.  She always brought an extra for Light. Besides, only alcoholics drank alone and she certainly wasn’t _ that. _

“ Strong margaritas today, eh?” Light said as he puckered.

“Yes. Do you know what that piece of shit ex of mine said to our son?” She whispered to Light as the boys played together.

“No telling,” Light said.

“After  I dropped Mel's off at his house, the moment I left he told our son that I wasn’t coming back for him! Mello was so upset that he cried until he puked and  I had to come get him early.”

“Jesus,” Light said, “Misa, that's horrible.”

“I'm done with visitation. I'm going for full custody.” She was serious.

“ Good. About time you did. Mello seems to get better the longer he's away from his father, as much as  I hate to say it.”

“Oh  I fully agree.  He's no good. He poisons our son’s mind. I'm sure I don't know half the shit he tells poor Mel's.” She seemed sad as she sipped her much needed adult beverage.  Life wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. She got a beautiful, sometimes evil, little boy she loved with all her heart on the days she didn't want to smother him to death out of the deal, so she couldn't complain. Well, she could complain and often did. Mello was definitely a character. Brilliant like L but messed up from his father. The sooner Misa got full custody the better.

“L never knew his dad, but he's _ just like him,”  _ Light smiled as he spoke. “Every day I see new little mannerisms or habits and I'm like, yup, you're like his clone!”

“Awe, well, he's lucky to have you as his father,” Misa said as she touched his arm. Light had told her how L died, but hadn't divulged how guilty he felt over it. He would never be able to tell anybody that. He couldn't admit out loud that he'd killed the love of his life.

“Thank you, Misa. You're a good mom.” They smiled at each other before finishing off their drinks and calling the kids over to go home. L was ready but Mello threw a fit complete with crying on the ground and flailing his arms and legs.  Misa wasn’t having it and systematically began telling him all the privileges he was about to lose if he didn't get up right then.  Without missing a beat, Mello shot up from the ground and dried his eyes at the mention of not being allowed to have chocolate for a week.

“ See you guys later!” Light called as he waved them off. Turning to L, “You’re the best kid a dad could ask for. How about ice cream?”

“Yes!” L's big grey eyes lit up and Light wondered if he'd ever grow into them. He was adorable and sweet and part of Light didn't want him to grow up at all.

By the time they got home, L had passed out in his car seat, chocolate sprinkles adorning his face. Light chuckled at the sight as he unbuckled his little buddy and carried him inside. L would be 3 soon and he was looking forward to the birthday party he'd been planning. His parents and sister were coming into town for it and Misa planned on bringing Mello. It would be a fun little get together, low key and family focused.  He'd hired a unicorn to come give rides, as L was going through a phase where he was simply obsessed with them. Light wasn't sure he would ride the animal, but he knew his reaction would be priceless.


	3. Unicorns!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's L's birthday!

The party was  going to be a big hit . Light had gotten up extra early to finish decorating the house and start putting together the snacks for the kids. Goody bags,  candy, a unicorn cake, soda, and a special  punch just for adults were all on his to do list.  He sipped his coffee as the first morning  light shined through the windows. “ Wish you were here to help me,” he smiled into the sunrise. “He's 3 today. He looks just like you, it’s uncanny. He's also obsessed with sweets like you. I wish he'd had the chance to know you. I wish for so many things, L.” The buzz from his phone turned his attention back to the present. It was a text from the pony party person saying they'd arrive an hour early to get ready.  _ Wow, they're on their game. _ Light looked stopping the house. It was time to hang streamers and balloons and one silver and blue birthday banner.

Little L woke up around 8:30 and made his way downstairs without assistance. “ Hapoy birthday, buddy!” Light announced as he scooped the sleepy toddler into his arms.  “Guess what I made you this morning for breakfast?”

“What?” L asked, big,  curious eyes peering up at his dad.

“Unicorn pancakes! ” 

“Yay!” L clapped his hands together in excitement despite having no idea what unicorn pancakes were.

It wasn't often that Light indulged his son’s sweet tooth, but it was his birthday.  Setting the excited toddler in his high chair, Light put the finishing touches on the colorful, rainbow-like pancakes.  They were scratch made with “unicorn morsels” which were white chocolate chips with pastel swirls. He smothered them in whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles, finishing it off with pixie stick dustings to garnish. Light brought the mess over to his son, who was practically salivating. “ Bon  appetit !”

Without hesitation, L tore into his breakfast, washing down the sugary mess with milk.  Light smiled and took out his phone to snap a picture. This moment could only be made more perfect if his late husband were there.  _ You are here, though, aren't you? _

The party was to start at noon, and the unicorn arrived a little early as  promised. L was busy entertaining himself in the play room, giving Light opportunity to sneak away. Stepping outside, he smiled wide, “Hi, I’m Light!”

A tall, pretty brunette dressed in dark blue breeches with pink piping and a pink flannel shirt turned to him, “ Brittany,” she said, reaching out her hand. “We will probably be ready a little before noon. Would you like her without the saddle first for pictures?”

“Oh, that's a great idea. The photographer should be here soon as well.  Could I get pictures with just me and my son with the unicorn?”

“Absolutely.  Just let me know when you want to transition from pictures to rides, and at the end we’ll say goodbye by feeding her treats. That usually keeps the kids from getting upset,”  Brittany suggested.

“Brilliant! It's almost like you've done this before,” Light joked.

“A time or two,” she winked back.

Light let her get back to work, catching a glimpse of the stunning, off white large pony with two blue eyes. She seemed calm and obedient, and Light just knew L would flip when he saw her.

Light bathed and changed his son into his cute cowboy outfit just in time for the photographer to arrive . They met her outside with big smiles, Light looking sharp in his own flannel shirt and dark jeans. And yes, he bought cowboy boots that matched L's  specifically for this party. But no, he wasn't about to divulge the obscene amount of money he spent doing so. “Hi! I'm Light. We’d like pictures in the back yard with the _ special surprise  _ first.”

Natasha was another brilliantly beautiful brunette, only she had bits of blond throughout her hair. Her accent was sexy as hell, too, “Sounds good!” She knew what the special surprise was and couldn't wait to capture the moment like L lost his mind upon finding there was a unicorn in his backyard.

It was exactly as anticipated. The moment little L saw the majestic horned creature with her flowing mane and glittery body, he screamed and stomped his feet in a fit. “Dad! Oh my  _ God  _ it's a real unicorn!”

Light laughed, “I know buddy. She's here to celebrate your birthday! You can't scream though, ok?”

“Ok,” L took several deep breaths as they approached, his happiness overcoming him in the most adorable way.  He hugged her chest, not quite tall enough to reach her neck. “I love her, dad.”

“I'm glad. Let's get pictures and then you can ride her, ok?”

“I can  _ ride _ her!?” L couldn't believe it. This had to be the best birthday ever. Nothing was going to top this. Not if he lived a million years.

They posed for several pictures, L the most patient 3 year old who ever existed.  Natasha commented on how adorable he was, and Brittany remarked on his exceptional vocabulary. “He’s quite advanced,” she said.

“Thank you.  His father was a brilliant man,” Light smiled, a hint of sadness in his eyes.

After pictures, guests began arriving so the two made their way back inside. Sachiko, Souichiro, and a very pregnant Sayu all made their way inside, carrying many gifts and dressed in Western wear as requested in the invitation. “This is so adorable,” Sachiko said as she hugged and kissed her son. The house was plastered in blue, white and silver streamers, balloons, and confetti. The paper plates were blue and the plastic cutlery silver. Drinking cups white. “Where is my little grandson?”

“Gam  gam !” L shouted as he ran as fast as his little legs could carry him. She scooped up the dark haired mess who looked like he'd already gotten into the candy and kissed his sticky face.

“Oh, Light! He's getting so big!” She smiled. She passed the boy to  Souichiro and finally to  Sayu for hugs and kisses.

Misa and Mello walked through the door a moment later, Mello apparently on his very best behavior. “He knows he has to play nice or he's not going to get to have _ anything _ sweet.” 

“It's amazing how well that threat works for them both,” Light smiled. “Misa, meet my family.” 

Everyone introduced themselves and Light heard the doorbell ring. Several more guests arrived. A couple kids from down the street and another kid from the playground they knew. An hour later, the doorbell rang again. _It must be the pizza!_ Opening the door, he saw a young man standing there with several pizzas. Light paid, thanked him, and left a good tip. “Hope everyone came hungry!”

They gathered around the large granite top island in Light's kitchen and opened the boxes of pizza. Misa cut up a slice for the  kids while Light poured drinks. “After lunch, we’re taking pictures with the unicorn outside and there kids are riding ,” Light explained.

“There’s a unicorn?” Mello asked.

“Yes, and she's  _ beautiful,”  _ L explained.

The kids scarfed down their lunch, excited to get outside and see the unicorn as soon as possible. “How do I ride her?” L asked,  finger pressed to his lip. He looked just like his dad.

“Look, you sit right here.” Light pointed to the saddle and  lifted his son to see. With a chuckle, Light lifted him  into the pony and held onto his leg as  Brittany led  the pony around.  L's smile was so wide as they went around the front yard and Light couldn't have been happier.

“Daddy I love her!” L announced for probably the tenth time . The photographer took several pictures before Light pulled him off, and next it was Mello's turn. He cried a bit at first but once she started going he realized it was fun.

The  kid s took turns riding and somewhere in between got face paintings as well. L was a panda and Mello was a tiger. The owner of the unicorn let them brush her and feed her carrots before she left. L was sad to see her go. “Daddy, I want a horse,” L said.

Light sighed. At least it was a luxury they could actually afford. “Maybe when you're older. Why don't we see if there's a place you can take lessons first?”

L smiled and nodded. That sounded good to him. What Light didn't know is that he'd accidentally sparked a lifelong love of horses in L. There would be many tears, a few broken bones, and lots and lots of money spent.  It would be worth it in the end because L would grow in his confidence and there wasn't a thing Light wouldn't give to see his son happy.

After the party, the ladies helped Light clean up while  Souichiro watched TV. Light called and emailed several lesson barns in the area, but either they didn't answer or they didn't teach that young. “Buddy, you might have to wait until you're 7.”

“Why? That's so far away!” 

“It's only 4 years.”

“That's longer than I've even been alive!”

Light grinned. That _ was _ true.  “Just be patient. I'm sure we can figure out something.” Even if he had to buy his own damn horse, his son was riding. That's all there was to it.

As his family and friends filtered out toward evening. Thankful his house was clean, Light collapsed on the couch. He was exhausted from the days events, but it couldn't have gone better. L climbed onto the couch with him and snuggled close. They both fell asleep quickly, dreaming of sugar and unicorns.


	4. First Day of School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L starts school

Light felt like he blinked and L was 6 and on his way to his first day of kindergarten.  Tears filled Light’s eyes as he waved his happy son goodbye, the big yellow bus pulling away with a groan. Where had the time gone?  Had it really been 6 years already? “He’ll be fine. He'll be just fine.” Mello was in his class, though Light wasn’t quite sure _ how _ Misa managed to get him enrolled in such a prestigious school. Money, probably.  If his  behaviour didn't improve, Light wasn’t sure money could keep him there, however.

Walking back into his big empty home, Light sighed. There wasn't much to do aside from cleaning up the dishes from breakfast. _I need a hobby,_ Light thought. “Well, you could always start killing people again,” he joked to himself. Kira wasn’t someone he was interested in resurrecting, really. He'd promised L he'd be a better man and he intended to keep that promise. “For our son,” he whispered as he put away the last dish.

Light’s phone buzzed, and he laughed as he saw who texted him.  ** Meet me at  ** ** Marzy's ** ** for  ** ** mimosa’s so we can celebrate our freedom! **

Light texted back:  ** it's 8am, Misa. **

** Meet me at noon? **

_ She's impossible.  _ ** Sounds good. **

That gave Light enough time to go for a run before meeting Misa. Usually he could do a few miles if L cooperated and sat in the stroller. Now that he was unhindered, he wondered how far he’d go. It was a sunny, cool morning. Perfect for running. Five miles into his run, Light found himself deep in the woods of the local park. He broke to a walk to catch his breath. Looking around, he felt at peace there in the woods. Birds were singing, the sun was shining, and not another soul was around. It was beautiful, and a good place for Light to clear his head and unburden himself. “You would've never run with me in a million years,” Light mused as he took a break on a nearby bench. “You never turned down a game of tennis though. Looking back, I think you were just humoring me.”

Light would be right about that. It wasn't that L hated tennis or running, he despised all forms of physical exercise, save for sex, of course. It was his way of trying to keep his husband happy and maintain the relationship. It was something to bond over, and he'd never admit this, but it was fun letting Light win. Light always looked so adorable after a win. Plus he always treated L to consolation ice cream, so really it worked out in his favor.

It was while they were enjoying some of that consolation ice cream with extra sprinkles for L that the strangest, most life altering conversation happened. Light would never forget the way L was sitting there across the table, knees to chest and one hand on a knee as the other held his ice cream. His eyes wandered to the family with small children who had just gotten their order. A little boy and a little girl. They were so excited to get their sweet treat. “Do you ever wonder what it's like?” L had asked so nonchalantly, almost like he was thinking out loud and hadn’t meant to say it.

“Wonder what?” Light watched his husband continue to stare at the family. Thankfully they didn't notice and finally L turned his attention to Light.

“Having children.”

_Woah_ _. What? Does he want kids? Since when?_ “Uh, yeah. I always thought I'd have a family.” Light was honestly caught off guard. Where was this coming from? They hadn't _ever_ discussed children and Light simply assumed L didn't want any. He was such a recluse and married to his job more than Light in many ways. That didn't exactly scream 'family man’.

“Oh,” L looked down at his melting mess . Quietly, “Are you upset that you don't?”

“Not really. I have you,” Light smiled, but L was far away , lost in thought. These were the moments Light wondered where he went.

“Yes.  You have me,” L lifted sad eyes to Light. He didn't know how to tell him, but he knew they'd be parting ways soon. L knew he was never meant to grow old.  And Light, Light would be lonely. Unless. “I want a baby.”

“I, um, ok,”  Light struggled with the shock of it all . Clearing his throat, “We will need a plan, but, I would love to have a baby with you. Do you want to adopt?”

“No.  I want _ my _ baby. I want to know what that's like.”

“Surrogate it is, then,” Light said. And that was the start of it all. Even though it was a bizarrely sudden request from L, Light was so glad they did it. He didn't know what he'd do without his little boy. 

As Light ran back home, he smiled. L had given him the greatest gift, and he would do right by L. He'd raise their son to be a good man. Looking back, Light wondered if L knew he was going to die. Sometimes it seemed like he did. In the days before his death he kept saying he heard bells. He said they were the loudest on the day he died.

Arriving home, Light drank the last of his water before kicking out of his sweaty clothes, dumping them in the laundry room, and heading upstairs. His large, glass shower always reminded him of the fun he and L used to have. The closeness, the intimacy of  becoming one.  L was his first and his only, and Light still couldn't imagine sex with another man, even after over 6 years alone.  His drive seemed to die when L did.

Looking back, he was kind of a prude. Light laughed at himself as he washed his hair, the hot water soothing his aching muscles. He was so deep in the closet and terrified of being judged that his friends thought he was ace. It wasn't until he met L, who didn't care _at all_ what others thought of him, that Light gained the confidence he needed to be open about his sexuality. It came as no shock to his parents, which surprised him. It seemed everyone was waiting for him to realize what they already knew. 

Closing his eyes and leaning forward to rinse his hair, Light pressed his hands to the tile walls, “Thank you,  L, for everything you did for me. I didn't deserve you.”

_ “ _ _ Of course you did, you silly man. Don't forget what you did for me.” _

Tears mixed with water until no difference could be told as Light held his face to the shower stream . Cutting it off, the room was silent except for the drip , drip ,  drip , of the shower head.  The redness in his face would not subside and Light wondered when it was going to get easier. Was he doomed to break down every time he was alone for the rest of eternity? “Your son started school today,” he said to the mirror. “He was so excited, L. You should've seen his face.”

Light wanted nothing more than to cancel on Misa and crawl into bed and call it a day until little L got home. He wouldn't do that, however. Besides, it wasn't healthy to just sleep all day despite how tempting it sometimes was. Instead he dressed and grabbed his car keys and walked out the door. 


	5. Homosexuals Go To Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light have a few awkward conversations

When L was eleven it surprised no one that he was top of his class. Again. It surprised _ everyone,  _ however, to find that Mello hadn't been kicked out of school yet. For some reason the kid really liked school. Light wondered if it was because it made access to illegal drugs easier.  _ Stop it, Light. The kid isn't doing drugs.  _ No, in fact, Mello was second place to L for top scores until a new transfer student arrived and knocked him to third.

“I'm  gonna punch his lights out,”  Mello told L on the bus ride home as he mock punched his fist into his hand. “That albino bastard  h as another thing coming if he thinks I'm going to accept _ third place.” _

L rolled his eyes, “ Mello, I don't think  that's going to improve your scores. Studying more might help, though.”

“StUdYiNg mOrE MiGhT hElP tHoUgH,” Mello mocked. L simply laughed at him. They had been best friends for 8 years, and L didn't see any reason why they couldn't be best friends forever.

“Hey, this is my stop. I'll see you tomorrow ,” L said as he stood.

“ Aight . Hey don't forget to ask your dad about that thing,” Mello reminded.

“Yeah  yeah ,” L waved him off dismissively as he made his way forward.  Mello wanted him to accompany some “hot chick” and her friend to the movies Friday night so he could “get laid”.  “You’re twelve, Mello. Twelve year olds don't 'get laid',” L had said. Mello simply informed him that _ this _ twelve year old did. 

Inside the house, his father was waiting for him as usual with a healthy snack prepared, expecting to see his son's report card. “Hey dad,” he smiled as he shrugged his  bookbag from his shoulders and rifled for his report card. 

“Thank you,” Light smiled as he received it. He realized a long time ago that he had indeed become his mother and he just accepted it.  “ Excellent marks. I'm proud. Celebratory ice cream later?”

L lit up, “Yes, please!” He'd taken his snack of carrot sticks, Bell pepper slices, and apple with dipping sauce to the table already. At least the apple had caramel to go with it. His dad wasn’t a complete monster. Although, L  _ did say _ he wanted to go vegetarian after witnessing a very disturbing YouTube video about animal  slaughter. Apparently, horses were eaten all around the world as well, and L just about lost his mind over this knowledge.  So, not only were L's internet privileges limited after a rather dramatic two day meltdown, but his diet had become even _ healthier _ than it was before. Not that he minded too terribly, he supposed. He loved seeing his dad happy and proud of him, and that made the adjustment to tofu worth it. “Oh, dad, Mello invited me to the movies Friday night,” L said as he finished his snack.

“Don't you have an event Saturday?” Light said from over the kitchen counter, where he was washing dishes.

“No, it’s a show. I'm just jumping Hillary in the morning,” L explained. His new, green mare was a bitch and aptly named after the former  American politician. “Besides, we’ll be going to an early showing. 6pm if that's alright.”

Light smiled crookedly at his ever responsible son. When was he going to rebel and dye his hair blue?  Light was waiting for the terrible teen years to strike, but so far, so good. It was early yet, however. Maybe in a couple years the hormones would rage and they'd both lose their sanity. “If you're in bed by 10pm, that gives you 6 hours of sleep. Can you function on that?”

“ Since it's just me and Hill, and we're just doing one division, yeah. We’ll be done by noon and I can nap.”

“Fair enough.  What height are you on now? Did she ever get her changes?” Light learned a long time ago that if he were going to be able to connect with his son he'd have to learn the lingo.  Apparently, riding horses could be quite complicated and required a good bit of finesse.  It never stopped seeming amazing to him to see what his son could accomplish. And to think it all started with a little unicorn at a birthday party when he was 3. Where does the time go?

“3’. She can lope that height, she's so tall. And yeah, we have our auto over the fences, but not our flying on the flat,” he explained.

“Ah. It'll come.  At least in jumpers it doesn't matter a whole lot.”

“Exactly,” L knew they wouldn't be winning anything most likely. It was just for the experience. Hillary was an immature 6 year old  who sometimes threw fits, so she needed as many low pressure, positive experiences as possible. In theory, she would be his next event horse. She was a brilliant chestnut full of fire and his first fancy  warmblood . Right now he was on a 14h pony who had seen it all , so switching to a 17h  fire breathing dragon was quite the leap. He loved her though, and when she danced because she was pissed off that he asked her to work instead of allowing her to eat all day, he remained unoffended. All that fire and all that piss would one day be taken out on a cross country field, he knew, and he couldn't wait. 

“How much studying  do you have to do?” Light asked as he took L's empty snack plate.

“Not much. I have a couple quizzes tomorrow and a paper due. The paper is finished, I just want to double check it,” he explained.

“Alright, so leave in an hour for ice cream and then head to the barn?”

L smiled.  His dad knew exactly where he wanted to be, “Sounds good.”

_He's just like you, L. Well, except for the horse thing I don't know where that came from. His mother maybe?_ They kept in touch with L's surrogate throughout the years but she wasn't really a part of their lives. To her, it was a job, a way to make money. She was great for medical history and questions, always friendly, loved their updates and even sent birthday cards, but she didn't come to any family events. They were ok with that and for L it was normal. Life had always been this way for him so he didn't ask to see her.

Ice cream consisted of strawberry with extra sprinkles  in a waffle cone and low fat , sugar free frozen yogurt for Light. He wasn't getting younger and his metabolism wasn’t what it used to be. He’d always envied L's ability to eat whatever he wanted. Both L's could down a truckload of sweets and be fine.  It made Light’s pancreas scream just thinking about it.

It was a nice day, so they walked through the outlet center as they ate. Seemingly at random, L asks, “Dad, how did you know you were gay?”

Light nearly choked on his frozen yogurt. Stopping abruptly,  he wiped his mouth with his napkin and asked, “Where is this coming from?”

L frowned. Was he wrong to ask? These things were hard to talk about. Catching onto his son’s discomfort,  Light added, “ I didn't know at first, honestly. ”

“Oh,  really?” L seemed to relax a bit and continued eating his ice cream as Light led them to a bench to sit on.

“Yeah, I didn't know until I got with your dad, really. But looking back there were signs,” he smiled.

“Like what?”

“Oh, you know, like having a crush on Wolverine from X-Men. I didn't realize it was a _ crush.  _ I just thought I was a fan, but I never really was a fan of any female characters. Only the guys.”

L giggled and Light blushed a bit as he remembered those awkward childhood moments.  “ That's pretty great, dad. I'll have to get you a poster for your birthday.”

“You’re the best,” Light laughed. “Seriously though, what brought this on?”

“Just curious. Mello’s dad said being gay is evil and homosexuals go to hell.”

“This coming from the toothless meth head himself?” Light said,  unphased . “I don't think I'll be taking advice from _ him.” _

“Does it bother you that people believe those things?” L asked, concern written across his adorable, strawberry ice cream stained face.

“Not really.  People believe all kinds of strange things.  Loving someone the way your father and I loved each other can't possibly be evil. It was too pure, too selfless. ”

“I love it when you talk about him. I wish you would do it more often,” L said shyly. He knew his father was a difficult topic for Light to broach.

Light smiled softly, “ I'll start talking about him more, then.  It makes me happy to remember him.”

“Thanks dad,” L said as he finished off his cone, “I'm ready to go to the barn now if you are.”

“Sure,” Light said, standing.  He wondered if  L were gay but knew his son would tell him in time. Light made sure he always approached everything as nonjudgmental as possible. He wanted to be a safe place for L to talk about his feelings and develop his opinions and beliefs.

At the barn, Light enjoyed watching his son school his horses, sneaking them treats whenever he could. The large animals always intimidated him a bit, but he put on his brave face for his son. Light even humored L with a father-son trail ride on Father's Day last year. It was honestly one of the best times they ever had together. _I hope he looks back on his childhood one day and feels like it was a good one._ L had endured a horrible childhood. Orphaned as a baby, he was abused and used as he was passed around in the foster care system, enduring every atrocity one could possibly imagine until he phased out at 18. It was no small wonder he was a strange, socially awkward man who naturally distrusted others. Some of those scars ran so deep they were permanently crippling to the detective. There were things he couldn't talk about, even with Light. But Light knew enough to know he wanted L to know nothing but love the rest of his life. And for the short time they were together, he made good on that promise.

They both slept soundly that night, worn out from the days adventure. The next morning, however, was not quite so peaceful. Light raced down the hall when he heard his son scream bloody murder. Swinging the door open, Light was shocked and amused by the sight before him. “What’s wrong?” He asked as he stood in the doorway.

L was sitting naked on his bed, a white come stain on his sheets. “ Am  I dying?” He was sobbing, shaking,  and delirious with fear.

Light tried not to laugh. “No, son. Get dressed and we'll talk.”

L sniffled as he walked over to his dresser and pulled on some shorts and a t-shirt. Light stopped the soiled sheet from the bed and crumpled it into the dirty laundry basket. “Have a seat, buddy.”

L sat down and immediately hugged his dad. He was still shaking, not knowing what was going on with his body. Light patted his back and kissed is messy hair. “I'm guessing that's the first time that's happened?”

“Yes,” L nodded into his dad's shirt.

“Ok. So, part of growing up and becoming a man  involves your body changing.” Light tried his best not to make things awkward, but it was an awkward conversation. “What you experienced is called ejaculation. It's what happens when men reach orgasm, and it's how women become pregnant during intercourse .”

“Oh,” L breathed and opened his eyes, sitting up. “I've heard of this before. Sometimes the kids at school talk about sex but most of the time they don't know what they're talking about. I feel really stupid now.”

“Don’t, buddy. At least it didn't happen in the middle of class like it did to me,” Light smiled.

L laughed, “Ok, that sounds terrible.”

“It was. I had to be uncomfortable all day,” he laughed at the memory.  “Please don't be afraid to come to me with any questions about this. I know a thing or two about sex, you know.”

L smiled, “ Thanks dad.”

“Let's get ready for school, ok?”  Light hugged L one last time before getting up to leave. He laughed to himself as he closed the door behind him. That kid was a right mess and Light wondered how long it would  be  before he found a porn stash or had to buy him condoms. He was honestly not looking forward to his innocent boy growing up so fast.


	6. Injury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L is badly hurt in a horse related accident

Movie night rolled around and Light sent an excited L to see the new Star Wars movie with plenty of cash and a hug.  Misa was driving them all,  Light curious but not saying anything about the cute girls that accompanied them. They were old enough to see a movie by themselves, right? 

At the theater, L thanked Misa for the ride. He was the only one of the four who did. When getting concessions, the three of them effectively ignored L, discussing what the three of them would order and share. He tried to dismiss it, knowing Mello really wanted to get with one of these girls. Pretty soon, however, they started hurting his feelings. He could hear Sophia, the dark haired one, whispering about him. “Hey what's with your friend? He's kinda weird.”

Mello didn't defend him. Didn't step up and tell her that was rude. No, he laughed and said, “Yeah, he's a total weirdo.”

“I'm going to the restroom,” L lied, trying to hide his tears. He hustled as fast as he could out of that dark theatre and called his dad. “I need you to come get me, please. Yes, I'm safe. Please hurry.”

While he waited outside alone for his dad, enough time passed that Mello became worried and went to look for him. “What are you doing out here?”

“I'm going home. I heard you guys talking about me,” he said, eyes watering again.

“Are you serious?  You can't take a little joke? God, L, you're such a loser!” Mello threw his hands in the air and stormed back inside.

“Thanks a lot,” L muttered as he watched Mello walk away. It felt like forever before his dad arrived. Th e moment L climbed into the car he immediately burst into tears .

“ What happened?!” Light asked as he embraced an inconsolable L.

“M-Mello  and Sophia said I was a weird loser.”

Light breathed deep.  _ Light, you cannot murder children with the death note just because they hurt your son's feelings.  _ “Who's  Sophia ?”

L breathed deep and looked  over at his dad, who sat straight and put the car in drive, “She's the girl he's trying to get with. She and her friend went with us and her friend thought I was weird and they all made fun of me.”

_ Light, you cannot murder three children just because they hurt your son's feelings. Light…  _ he put the thought on repeat and practiced his yoga breathing.  _ He really comes by it honestly. His dad was weird too. I can't tell an eleven year old he's strange, though.  _ “Sweetie, I'm so sorry. Kids can be so damn mean. Do you want me to call Misa?”

“No, dad, it's ok. I'll talk to him tomorrow,” L sniffled. If Mello was really his friend, he'd apologize.

“That’s very mature of you, buddy. I'm sure you guys will get past this. He was probably just trying to impress that girl and made the wrong decision.” _I could fucking strangle the little bastard._

“Yeah,” L sniffled, ” they were already back home. “I'm pretty tired, I think I'll go to bed.”

“Ok buddy. You sure you're ok?”

L said yes as he opened the car door and sauntered off but Light knew better. A couple hours later his son would be sneaking into his room to sleep with his dad because he needed the emotional support. It happened every time. He knew eventually L would be too old for this, but for now Light enjoyed holding his little boy while they slept.

Like the mature, 40 year old inside an eleven year old boy he was, L got up with his alarm at 4:30am and began getting ready for his show. He was already packed, but did a double check anyway. Showered, changed, and car loaded, he brewed his dad a large cup and woke him up, “Hey, Dad, here's your coffee.”

Groggily, Light stretched and sat up, receiving the hot brew. “ You’re a God send, you know that?”

L smiled, “How long before you're ready to go?”

“Mmm, fifteen minutes?” It was a horse show , not a gala, and Light had learned a ball cap over his hair and clothes he could get dirty in were important. A shower would have to come at the end of the day, not the start.

“Ok,” that was plenty of time to get a good breakfast down before they left. L scrambled some eggs with toast and a protein shake.  He packed plenty of snacks to keep his energy up as well.

The drive to the horse park was relatively quiet; Light still trying to wake up. “ Nervous?”

“Excited. Hillary was great to school yesterday.” L smiled.

“Good,” Light remembered those first shows. The tears, the nerves, the inability to eat a thing.  He remembered telling L that perhaps showing wasn’t for him. That was all it took for L to go into the arena and win his first ribbon. It was a 6 th place, but there were 20 children in the arena, so it was quite a bit deal.

After that, L still cried and got nervous, but it became less and less stressful each time. His coach was kind and understanding as well.  They’d been through a couple trainers by now, their current one quite impressive.  It had been a couple years since L seemed really nervous, and Light found himself missing those early days.

Pulling into the park just as the first light of dawn came over the horizon, Light parked and they got out. First thing Light did was head to the barn and check the stalls,  replenishing water for Hillary and any of the other horses there with his trainer. Then he threw hay and fed Hillary. “Does she still get two scoops of alfalfa pellets with her vitamins?”

“Yes, dad. Thank you,” L said as he undid Hillary's tail bag and combed the tangles out.

Light shook his head and smiled. It was impressive to him that an eleven year old did research and decided to convince his trainer that a forage based diet was what he wanted his horses on. She was supportive, of course, and helped him plan a balanced diet. 

The morning carried on at a good pace, L setting out to school his horse an hour before the arena closed . She was soft, responsive, energetic but relaxed. “Good girl,” he said as he patted her on the neck. He took each fence one time and she nail her changes over them. It was a perfect warm up and he excused himself from the arena with time to spare.

“You guys look good,” Light said, handing La water bottle.

“Thanks Dad. She feels really good today ,”  _ maybe we'll place well after all,  _ he thought.

Soon enough, the gates closed and it was time to check in at the gate. L didn't mind going first. He'd memorized his course pretty quickly. Hillary picked up a nice right lead can't on their courtesy circle, the buzzer sounded, and they headed for their first fence.  She took the perfect spot and landed nicely, cantering down  her line to get second jump.

About five jumps into their 8 jump course,  it was hard to tell exactly what had gone wrong.  Hillary too k the jump, was centered, seemed square and balanced. Somehow, her front legs got caught between the poles of the  oxer and she flipped over, 1200lbs of muscle and bone landing right on top of L.

There was an audible gasp from the onlookers followed by a panicked hush. The announcers both called out for an EMT  in the hunter arena. The EMT running by radioed for an ambulance.

“L!”  Light screamed, dropping the water bottle he was holding as he flung himself over the fence and darted across the sand. He felt like he was in a tunnel, like he couldn't move fast enough.  _ No. No, this can't be happening. _

A man stepped in his path, hands out. “Sir-“

“He's my son! He's my son!” Light cried, all but pushing the man out of his way.

Light fell to his knees, horror striking him. Blood was everywhere. Was L even alive? He didn't know what to do. His shaking hands hovered over L as the medical professionals prepped him for the ambulance. He could hear the siren getting closer. Suddenly it was upon him. Somewhere in the madness their trainer head grabbed the horse. “Hillary is fine. Go with L.”

Now he was in the back of an ambulance feeling like he may have been dosed with something. But there was nothing.  He felt like he was blacking out because he’d look away from L and forget where they were for just a split second. Then he'd see his crushed son and his heart was in his throat all over again.  Holding L's hand, he whispered, “Please don't take him from me, too. Please don't take him…”

_“I'm really excited about being a dad, L. I can't believe we're doing this,” Light said as he laid_ _on his stomach, naked_ _in bed with his husband. They had spent most of the day at the_ _fertility_ _clinic, and as far as they could tell, it was just a matter of waiting to see if it_ _‘_ _took_ _’._

_ “I am too,” L said, though he got the feeling that this next chapter in their lives would be a solo act for Light.  _ _ Sometimes he wondered if he'd made a mistake. Was he going to dump a child on Light then leave? That was rather unfair.  _ _ Perhaps he hadn't thought this through… _

_ “Where are you right now?” Light asked. _

_ L startled a bit and turned his attention to Light. “I'm here.” _

_ A smile ghosted Light’s lips, “One day you'll tell me.  _ _ One day I'll know all your secrets.” He climbed over his husband and L adjusted himself beneath Light. _

_ “Make Love to me,” L said _ _ , wide eyes fathomless. _

_ “That’s the intention,” _ _ Light began to Snicker, but stopped when he realized L was serious. _

_ “No, make love to me like you know I won't be here tomorrow.” _ _ L reached up and cupped that perfect face _ _ ,  _ _ pale fingers tracing, memorizing the pathways across his skin. _

_ “L,” Light lifted off his husband a little and inspected _ _ his face, “What's-“ _

_ “Please, just do it. For me. Don't ask me why.” _

_“Ok,” Light was full of concern for his husband as he kissed him again,_ _sliding soft lips across porcelain skin._ _“_ _If this were our last time,” he said between kisses, “I would want to memorize every inch of your skin.” L shivered beneath him and Light’s face buried itself in_ _tousled black locks. “Breath_ _e_ _you in and remember that smell forever.”_

_ L shuddered, “Light…” _

_ Lifting his head so they were nearly nose to nose, “What is it baby?” _

_ A single tear made its escape, the only evidence of L's inner turmoil. “I love you.” _

_A kiss, “I love you too,” another kiss. A deeper kiss. A loving kiss._ _Light made good on his promise to map out L's body. From his chest to his arms, down his torso_ _, across his thigh. Even his feet were tenderly worshiped._

_ Light wasted no effort, considered not time as he found himself inside his husband once again.  _ _ It didn't feel like the one thousandth time that it was,  _ _ yet it didn't feel like the first time either. No, it was better _ _ , it was deeper.  _ _ They were honest as Liars could be,  _ _ holding onto the final shred of vulnerability still left between them as they  _ _ weaved like the notes on a music sheet, just waiting to be played. Waiting for that final moment where pride gives way to humility and they confess all the things they' _ _ v _ _ e had on the tips of their tongues for years. _

_But that would never come._ _Those instruments would never play. No violin could sound as sweet as the truth from either mouth_ _._ _Y_ _et_ _as they_ _laid in the after glow, breathing,_ _holding onto clammy flesh in the moonlight,_ _each knew_ _silently apart from_ _the other that_ _this was_ _,_ _indeed_ _,_ _the last time._

“Light!” Misa called, her heels clacking loudly against the linoleum floor. “Oh God, Light I got here as soon as I could.”

_Did I do_ _z_ _e off?_ Light looked around the hospital waiting room. How he'd gotten there was quite a blur. “Thank you for coming,” he said, vaguely remembering the text exchange.

“Any news?” Misa asked, sitting by him.

“Still in surgery.” Light looked around, “Does Mello know?”

“I didn't want to tell him while he's with his dad,” she explained.

“He still wants to see the guy? After everything he's put you two through? ” 

“He's got to draw these conclusions on his own. I can't force him not to see his father because then I'll be the bad guy.  He'll learn.”

Light shrugged, “That's fair,” he sighed. “It's been an awful long time. I'm so worried about him.”

Misa leaned against his arm and rubbed his back, “I know, I know. You won't lose him, ok? This is one of the best hospitals.”

“I sure hope you’re right.” Light buried his head in his hands , the only thing to pull him away  was the sound of shoes clicking against the linoleum once again. He looked through his fingers to see the tops of black shoes covered by a white coat. That's when he knew it was over.

“Mr.  Yagami ?” the confident, deep voice of the head surgeon asked.

Light stood on dead legs, “Yes,” Misa was holding his hand.

“Surgery went well, your son is in recovery,” once the words were spoken, everybody breathed. “ He did not appear to have any spinal cord damage, though his neck was broken in several places. His helmet saved him from a cranial fracture, though his nose, eye socket, and jaw are all broken. He should heal up and have full function of his body with the help of physical therapy.”

“ Thank you, doctor,” Light said with a wobble. He squeezed Misa’s hand. “When can I see him?”

“Soon. He's being moved to a new  room. A nurse will come for you,” he explained before excusing himself.

Light placed a hand on his chest and tilted his head to the ceiling. “Oh, thank God, Misa. ”

“That's very good news,” she smiled.

A few minutes later a nurse appeared through the double doors wearing pink and white scrubs and a friendly smile. She escorted them to the elevator, where it took them to the third floor. This was where  patients went to recover from surgery. Misa and Light followed her down a long hallway of rooms that all looked the same until they came to L's. 


	7. I'm Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L begins to heal. Light remembers his husband.

L looked pretty beat up and swollen. Light’s eyes shimmered with restrained tears as he gently held his son's hand, unable to help the strangled feeling in his throat as he whispered a thousand I love you's to L. Misa had gone hours ago after seeing her best friend was alright. It was nearing midnight anyway. Mello would visit after school. It would be his job to help L keep up with school work. L was fast asleep right now. The hospital was peaceful.

Light would wake up with a sore neck and back from sleeping in a chair. He'd smile to see L eating his breakfast, seemingly in a good mood. It was such great relief to see that his son would make it. Light didn't think he could handle it if anything happened to L. When his father died, it broke Light, and he still hadn’t fully healed from it. The car accident happened so fast, and L died so quickly that Light couldn't process just what had happened. There was no rush to the hospital for L. No waiting to see how surgery went. There was just a black bag to put his body in like he didn't even matter. He couldn't even recall the last thing he said to L or the last thing L had said to him. “Did you know that I loved you?” Light whispered out loud, lost in his thoughts.

_ I married you, you  _ _ buffoon _ _.  _ _ Of course I knew you loved me. _

“Dad? Who are you talking to?” L asked.

Light refocused on his son and smiled, “ Nobody. Sorry buddy, I was just thinking.”

“About Dad?”

“Yeah.”

“I always know when you're thinking of him because you get this far away look in your eyes, and you look the saddest I've ever seen anybody look. ” L said as he twirled his fork in uneaten grits.

Light laughed a bit, “ Surely it's not _ that _ bad. I can't be the saddest looking person on the planet.”

“You'd come pretty close,” L smiled a bit. “I can tell how much you loved him by how sad you are when you think of him.  I don't think it's a bad thing to love somebody that much.”

Light didn't reply. Instead he looked thoughtfully at his son, wondering how someone so young knew something so wise.  He sighed and moved L's  breakfast tray out of the way so he could rest comfortably. As L slept, Light watched TV, trying not to think too much of the things that made him sad. Maybe one day he'd be able to think of L and smile. Maybe he'd remember all the good times and laugh at how silly they could be. Not today, but maybe one day.

***

“Hey, L, have you seen my watch?” Light asked as he rounded the corner into their bedroom. L was sitting on the edge of the bed _ normally,  _ staring down at his upturned fingers as his hands lay in his lap . “What’s going on?”

“Your watch is in the underwear drawer. I put it there after I put it back together.”

“Put it back together? Why would you have to do that?”

L turned his head up and looked at Light with tired eyes, “ Because I took it apart.”

“Why?”

“To see what you were hiding in it.”

L was sounding crazy, but then again he always sounded crazy. “And what was I hiding?”

“ The final way to kill me.”

_ Not this again.  _ “Jesus, L! Why the hell would I kill you?”

“ You wouldn't. Kira would.”

“Kira is dead.”

“I know that.” L turned his eyes back to his hands. “I know.”

Light crossed the room and knelt before his husband. Taking L's hands in his own, Light gazed worriedly up at him. “Do we need to go back to the doctor?”

“No,” L shook his head a bit as he said it. “I'm okay.  I… I'm alright.”

Light planted a kiss on L's face as he stood. “I love you, L.  If you're struggling again, please tell me. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you.”

L looked up at him and the tiniest, sweetest smile graced his lips. “I know you are.  I love you too.”

When things were good, they were _ so _ good. When things were bad, however,  they were pure hell. Sure, there's a correlation between genius and mental illness. There's one between creativity  and mental illness too. L has both in spades, so why would he be exempt from the curse inside the blessing? What gift  _ didn't  _ come with strings attached? 

Psychotic breaks and hospitalizations couldn't stop Light from loving his husband though. Even when L didn't know who he was,  Light didn't turn his back on him. How could he? This was when L needed him most.  The most difficult part of it all was how the medication affected him. It kept him alive, sure, but it demolished his sex drive. Light felt so far away from L. He watched L sleep, wishing for that connection they once had, knowing it was lost.

Light held L's sleeping body close and kissed the back of his neck. They'd get through this. They had to. L groaned and mumbled something in his sleep as he shifted into a more comfortable position. Light smiled into fluffy dark hair and closed his eyes. 


	8. Confessions of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mello admits his feelings for L

After a week in the hospital, L was released to go home and heal. In a month he was to start physical therapy.  Light was ecstatic to have his boy home. Mello had been very helpful in moving L's things to the downstairs guest room. He wasn't permitted to climb stairs just yet. 

Mello stayed over for the first several nights to help L adjust to his new situation.  Light was glad for the help and it seemed to cheer L up to have his best friend there . “Don't stay up too late you two. It's a school night.”

“Okay Mr.  Yagami !” Mello called from the guest bedroom.

Light wondered when that kid started getting manners. Maybe it was because he'd stopped seeing his dad that he was getting better.  Light shrugged and wished the boys a goodnight before heading upstairs.

Mello crawled under the covers of the bed and rolled on his side to face L. He grabbed L's hand and gently squeezed it. “I'm so glad you're okay,” he whispered, eyes falling shut.

“Me too,” L said sleepily.

What Mello didn't tell L was that his heart practically stopped beating when her heard L had been hurt. He'd burst into uncontrollable tears and it took hours for him to calm down. He'd realized in that moment that he was irrevocably in love with L. There was no version of his life where L wasn’t in it. As he laid there next to his best friend, waiting for sleep to come, Mello wondered if he'd ever have the courage to tell him. One day. Maybe.

Mello stayed with Light and L and proved to be very helpful. Not only did he bring L his assignments from school, but he did all of L's chores for him, even checking on his horses.  Mello was slightly intimated by the animals, but he'd do anything for L. They went to physical therapy together and when L was feeling down about his limited mobility, Mello was there to cheer him up.

It would take several months, but L finally healed.  He slowly got back into riding, his father's heart in his throat every time L jumped.  Mello continued coming to the barn, allowing L to give him a pony ride but nothing more. The beasts were growing on him, it seemed.

Light felt like he blinked and the kids were fifteen. Where the hell had time gone? His baby boy was growing up. His voice was changing, his body was growing, he almost had a bit of facial hair, but it was more like fuzz. L was gangly and awkward but so much the spitting image of his late father that it was haunting at times. As his voice deepened, Light sometimes swore it was his late husband talking.

Mello and L spent the first Saturday of Summer break seeing the new John Wick movie. They'd been excited  for it for months. It was their favorite series.  A lot of the kids from school were there for the opening weekend too. It seemed it was popular among them all.

Afterward, they were laughing and going over their favorite parts as they walked outside into the clear night air. While waiting for Light to pick them up, Mello smiled at L's laughing face, then looked around. Most of the crowd had scattered, they were basically alone. Mello grabbed L's hand. “I love you, L.”

L smiled Chrissy at Mello. That wasn't really something they told each other, though it was  true. “I love you too,” L smiled .

“No, L. I love you more than just as my friend.”

L was silent a moment , contemplating the weight of what Mello was saying.  “You _ love me  _ love me?”

“I love you.”

The sincerity and emotion was overwhelming , and L couldn’t help the tears he felt rolling down his face. “I love you too.  As more than just friends.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Can I- can I kiss you?” Mello blushed a bit. He'd never kissed anyone before.

“Yes,” L said.

Mello gently leaned  forward and pressed his lips to L's. It was the sweetest, most perfect kiss in the whole world according to Mello. When he sat up he smiled. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

L giggled. “Yes.”

Mello was the happiest kid on the planet that night. He was so excited to be with L that he could hardly stand it. Soon Light pulled up and the boys told him all about how awesome the movie was.

The next morning  L seemed unusually chipper for being up so early.  “Good morning Dad. Is it okay for Mello to be my boyfriend?”

Light nearly spit out his coffee. He was completely unprepared for this. “I'm alright with it but we need to have rules. You'll need to ask miss Misa how she feels about this as well. You guys are pretty young.”

L nodded in understanding and  Light agreed to call  Mello’s mom that morning. “Hey Misa. So, the boys want to know if they can date.”

“Each other?”

“Yes…”

A short pause was followed by,  “ Holy shit, Light. My son is gay. He's gay. If his father finds out…”

“Calm down, Misa. Let's think about this. You didn't find out he was addicted to drugs. Besides, you don't have to worry about teenage pregnancy now.” He winked at  L, who blushed . “ As for his father, it's none of his business. He lost the right to know what's going on in Mello's life a long time ago.”

Misa sighed into the phone. “You're right. I'm just shocked is all.”

“Me too.  I told them yes to b ei ng boyfriend's, by the way.”

“I don't know, Light. They're f ift een. Isn't that too young?”

“It's a little young, but think of it this way. They were open about it and came to us with it. That's a big deal. They could've kept this from us. And if we say no, they will probably go behind our backs anyway.  I think if we set some ground rules it'll be alright.”

“ That makes a lot of sense, Light. I'll trust you on this.”

Light smiled at  L and gave  hi m a thumbs up. “Thank you Misa. I'll chat with  L over breakfast.”

When he hung up the phone, Light sat across from L at the table. “So, this is a big step. Being in a relationship is a big responsibility. You guys will need to learn to take care of each other and consider each other's feelings. It’s not just about you anymore. Do you understand?” L nodded, serious look on his face. Light continued, “I think supervised dates are fine as long as your grades remain good and all chores are done.” Light sipped his coffee. Now came the hard part. “You are both far too young to be having sex.”

“Dad!”  L blushed madly and buried his face in his hands again.

“I know it's uncomfortable, but we need to talk about it. One day you boys will be ready for it. I don't know if you'll be together or with other people when that day comes, but  I want you both to be safe and prepared, okay? ”  The world was full of dangers and he didn't want either of them to fall victim. Not like he had. 

“Okay,” L said.  Even though it had been awkward,  L  was glad he had Light to talk to about these things. 


	9. Misfire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A night of fucked up debauchery

Mello and L would be sixteen when they decided to take that step. As a precaution, Light had L start taking Prep. Experience told him if L wasn’t promiscuous, Mello _would_ be, and he needed his son to be as safe as possible. It was _incredibly_ awkward buying condoms for his teenage son, but it was better than an STI. Besides, he'd promised L he'd be there for him and this had been a long time coming. If he was to be anything like his father, he'd be a freak in the bed too. _Light! Do not think those thoughts!_ He chastised himself. A stiff drink sounded fantastic right then.

Light went out for drinks with Misa and left the boys in an empty house with money for pizza. Maybe he'd get drunk enough to forget his teenage son was about to have sex for the first time. Was this the right thing to do? He didn't want to raise L the way he’d been raised, where sex is evil and not talked about and forbidden.  He wanted his son to have a healthy view of it and not have the emotional baggage Light had. It was tough enough getting over believing he was dirty and going to hell just because he had the desire, much less realizing he was _ gay  _ on top of that. No, L would never feel that kind of shame. He might fuck up in raising his kid but if he got one thing right it was that L loved himself and wasn’t ashamed of any part of who he was.

Misa and Light toasted their vodka shots. “ To our boys,” Light said.

“Who are probably getting more ass than I have in the last decade,” Misa added.

Light couldn't help but laugh. It was so true. “It's been since before L was born for me, so, 16 years?  Damn.”

“Holy shit Light! Your poor  neglected penis. I’d give you a pity fuck if you weren't gay,” Misa said.

“I  dunno , let's see how many shots it takes to turn me straight.”

At that suggestion, Misa waved down the bar tender and ordered another round.

***

The boys ordered pizza and binged Netflix, nervously excited to have the house to themselves.  They made out on the couch and when things started getting hot and heavy, moved it to the bedroom. “ Are you ready?” L asked as he pulled his shirt overhead.

“Yes,” Mello said nervously as he copied what L did.

L stepped closer to Mello, closing the gap between them and placed a hand on his chest. “Your heart is beating so fast.”

“Yeah. I'm nervous.”

“Don't be,” L whispered as he kissed his boyfriend. L didn't know where his calm confidence came from. It wasn't like he knew what he was doing.  L reached  for Mello’s pants and undid them, letting them crumple to the floor. Mello was only half hard, his nerves getting in the way. Not L. He was fully erect and absolutely _ dying  _ to know what this would feel like. “Take off your boxers and lay on the bed.”

Mello obeyed, nearly falling over as he tried to kick off his boxers.  Trembling, he laid on his back and watched as L got fully naked. His eyes widened to see L's fully erect cock for the first time. Somehow he hadn’t expected it to be that big.  L climbed over him, and was about to lower his body onto Mello’s when he shouted, “Wait!” He burst into tears and covered his face, embarrassed.

“ Hey, what's wrong?” L didn't understand what was going on. Was this really the same kid who claimed he was going to get laid at only twelve years old?

“I'm not ready. I thought I was but I'm not. I can't do this, L.” Mello confessed as he uncovered his red face.

L slid off of his boyfriend onto the other side of the bed and faced him. Arms outstretched, L pulled Mello into his body as he cried, embarrassed and scared and emotional as hell. L sighed and stroked yellow hair. He should've expected this. Mello was quite an emotional person. “It's okay. There's no pressure.”

“I have to tell you something,” Mello mumbled into L's chest.  He pulled away a little so they could see each other's faces.

L swallowed hard. Why did he fell like this was going to be bad news? “Anything. You're safe here.”

“I've never told anybody this, L. It's a secret, okay?” L nodded quietly and Mello continued. “ I've had sex before.”

“You have?” This was news to L. He thought they were both virgins.

“Yes. I- I didn't want it. I didn't know what it was at the time. I was nine.  My dad used to have friends over all the time. They brought lots of drugs and alcohol. He didn't always have the money to pay for his meth or cocaine, so he- he  said I could pay. I didn't know what that meant until I was naked in a dark room being raped, L.” Mello burst into tears all over again. It was the first time he'd admitted out loud that he'd been raped. It was the first time he'd voiced his story at all.

L was shocked. Holding onto Mello even tighter, he kissed his hair and told him over and over again that he was loved. “We have to tell your mom, Mello. You need to get help.”

“No. I can't tell her.”

“What if I help you?”

“Okay.” He knew L was right. With any luck, he'd get over this nightmare that had haunted him for seven long years. Mello ran his fingers through black hair and kissed those perfect lips that loved him so. “ I love you. I'm glad I have you to help me through this.”

“ I love you too, ” L said between kisses. “I'll always be here for you.”

The boys would sleep soundly together, naked in L's bed, innocent and perfect and sweet. Light would not be sleeping, however. After several shots and a margarita, Light found himself clinging to the bathroom vanity, his back pressed hard against the lip of the counter as Misa sucked his cock like she was desperate for it. Drunk as they both were, Light was glad the bathroom had a lock on the door so they couldn't be interrupted. He was also thankful for the incredibly loud cover band playing on stage, which stifled his screams as he came in her mouth.

Misa wiped the leftover come from her pouty lips and stumbled to her feet. “There.  Sixteen  year streak broken.”

Light almost fell on his head bending over to pull up his pants. “I'm still horny,” he slurred. “Misa we should fuck. Let's go back to your place.  Are you okay with anal?”

“Yes, okay, and yes!” She squealed. Light just _ had _ to be a good lay.

The two drunken idiots stumbled into an Uber and somehow made it safely back to Misa's in one piece. Misa tripped and fell to the floor  the moment they stepped inside. Light laughed so hard that he began to find standing difficult. Melting to the ground as he laughed ,  Misa crawled over to him and began unbuttoning his pants. The next thing he knew, she was riding him to completion on her living room floor . The room was spinning, and when Misa leaned down to kiss him he balked. “ Ew Misa no! I'm gay!”

She laughed, finding it hysterical that he'd fuck her but not kiss her. It didn't matter anyway because she'd been right about him being  an excellent lay.  They moved from the floor to her bed, where Light found himself on his knees behind her,  stretching and prepping her. In his drunken state Light struggled to be gentle but Misa didn't complain. She was wasted and relaxed, screaming at him to  _ just fuck her already.  _

So, he did. Light sank in and began the most erratic,  least rhythmical  thrusting of his life. Misa buried her face in the sheets and gave what Light guessed  were screams of pleasure. He couldn't tell.  It must've been pleasurable to her because when she came, she shot across the room,  spraying his balls. “What the fuck?”  Light had never been with a woman and didn't know what squirting was, so it took him by surprise. Light shrugged and continued thrusting , trying to imagine he  was fucking his sweet late husbands ass once again.  He found that thoughts of his son kept competing  in  his mind for a place in his fantasy. As hard as he tried to push them aside, he couldn't, and he finally came to visions of fucking his own son . 

The sudden force of it combined with his drunkenness and how hot and sweaty he was from the effort made him suddenly nauseated. Light quickly dismounted and ran for the bathroom,  smacking his shoulder into the doorway and yelling, “Shit!” before retching into the toilet.

By the time he was done, he found Misa passed out on the soaked sheets. It was time to sneak home. Fortunately for him, an Uber wasn't impossible to get at four in the morning. There was no way L was awake at this hour either. At least, that's what he was banking on.


	10. Dispicable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L confronts his drunk father. Light takes matters into his own hands when it comes to Mello's father

“Dad?” The sweet voice of L quietly calling out to his father in the dim light of their kitchen couldn't have sounded worse to Light’s ears in that moment.

Turning slowly to see L getting a drink from the fridge, Light attempted to smile but more or less just cringed. “ Heeeeey .”

“Are you _ drunk?”  _ L walked over to his father to investigate more closely.

“Uh, yeah.  Kinda .” Light knew confessing was the best route since he really couldn't lie effectively in this situation. 

L had never seen his father so wasted or disheveled before. He laughed a bit, wide eyes  shining with humor. “You look like a wreck. Did you have fun?”

Light scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously. “ Yeah, yeah. I did.” Light shifted on his feet a bit and then decided he'd had enough. “Well I'm going to bed. You'll have to tell me all about your time with Mello when I wake up. Well, maybe not  _ all…” _

L giggled, “Nothing happened, dad. I'll explain later. Go to bed.” As Light walked passed, L watched, noticing something sticking out of Light's back pocket. It fell to the floor, and L picked it up to inspect it. “A _ condom wrapper?! Dad!”  _ L was scandalized as he stared on in shock.

Light stopped dead in his tracks.  _ Ugh.  _ He attempted to quickly wheel around and snatch the wrapper from his son's hand but stumbled into the wall instead. L giggled and dodged his father's flailing hands easily. “Just throw it away!” Light shouted in frustration.

“Did you go home with someone? Oh my God, dad, did you have a _ one night stand?” _

Mistaking L for being accusatory, Light became defensive.  “No! I was with Misa all night!” 

L was shocked. “You slept with _ Misa?” _

_ Fuck.  _ “ Erm . Look,  uh, um-“

“Dad, I thought you were gay!”

Light threw his hands out in indignation. “I _ am  _ gay!”

“But you slept with a _ woman!” _

“I  _ know  _ what I did! Now will you please just let me wallow in regret in peace, please?”

L looked from the wrapper to his dad and let his hand fall by his side.  “I'll throw this away. I hope you get some rest.”

The look of disappointment on L's face absolutely crushed Light. There was little he could do to fix things while drunk at five in the morning.  Light stumbled to his bedroom without another word. The moment  hi s face hit the pillow, he passed out. Light would wake up several hours later to a pounding head ache and horrible nausea. He didn't quite have the capacity to consider the mistakes of the night before.  Water,  aspirin, crackers and back to bed.

When Light finally woke up again, it was well passed noon. It was time to get up and eat something and apologize to L.  But first, a shower. The hot water was quite refreshing, and Light smiled despite feeling like shit. “Remember that New Year's Eve party we went to where we both got trashed?”

_ “Of course I do.  _ _ You told me you loved me for the first time and I promptly vomited on your shirt.” _

Light laughed out loud at the memory. Poor L had to be carried out by a shirtless Light. He kept apologizing over and over, promising to buy Light a new shirt. “It wasn't a big deal. It was just a t-shirt.”

_ “ _ _ Yeah, but I took you shopping two days later and bought you a whole new wardrobe.” _

“You did. And you told me you loved me too at the end of that date.” Light smiled as he shampooed his hair. They were so young, just 18 and 20. Light was starting his freshman year at University and L was already a world famous detective. They'd sneak off to have sex in fancy hotels mainly because L wanted to keep it from Watari but also because being openly gay at Light's school was still considered taboo. He didn't want to cause himself more problems than he already had. 

Those early days were so fun and exciting. Learning about each other and figuring out their relationship. Laying under the covers snuggling, talking, tangling fingers and giggling. Learning L's scent, his expressions, his laugh. Light knew he wanted to spend forever with L, even at the tender age of eighteen. 

Light cut the shower off and stepped out, grabbing his towel. “I wonder if you'd approve of how I'm raising our son.” Light stared at the mirror. He looked tired.  _ I'm getting older, L.  _ Light didn't like to think about the fact that he'd be forty soon.  There were tiny silver strands popping up in his side burns and despite a rigorous skin care routine, he'd developed crows feet. 

_ “You look beautiful, Light. Nothing can change that. You'll only get better with age.” _

With a final sigh, Light pulled on some casual clothing and stepped outside his room. He'd find L watching TV in the living room and sit beside him on the couch. “Care to talk? I owe you an apology.”

L picked up the remote and paused his show. “How's that?”

“My behavior last night was inappropriate. Mello is your best friend, and  I risked messing up my own friendship with Misa last night.  It was irresponsible and selfish and-“

“Hang on dad, I think you're being a little hard on yourself.” L straightened up in his seat as he explained. “Sure, I was surprised, but honestly, you haven't had anyone special since Dad died.  You deserve to be happy.”

“I'm happy. Besides, I have you.”

L smiled softly, “What are you going to do when  I go off to college?  You'll be alone. I don't want that for you.”

“I'll get a dog.”

“You don't even like dogs.”

Light laughed a bit. “I suppose you're right. It just doesn't feel right to date, you know? It feels like I'm cheating on him somehow.”

“Dad, he's been gone for sixteen years. Maybe you should talk to someone. Learn how to move on.”

“Like a therapist?”

“Yes.  Mello sees one. I think it'll be good for you.”

Light thought about it for a moment. It wasn't a bad idea, and really he owed it to his son. “Okay, L. I'll call one today. Now, what happened with you and Mello?”

“Oh, dad. Poor Mello.  He freaked out when, you know, we were about to do something, and he started crying and told me his dad used to sell him for drugs when he was little. I couldn't believe it. How can anyone be so awful!” L teared up, wiping his eyes as he tried to remain strong.

_Welp_ _,_ _Mello's dad is_ _gonna_ _die. What a sick bastard._ “That makes me so angry. Does his mom know?”

“No. I promised we'd tell her together.”

“Alright. Do it soon. He needs to be tested to make sure he doesn't have anything.  Oh, L, I'm so sorry.” Light reached out and pulled his son into his chest, holding him while he sniffled and tried not to cry. 

With their conversation over, Light left L to finish his show. He had some _business_ to attend to. In the back of his walk in closet, behind a painting, sat an in wall safe. Light opened it and dusted off his Death Note. “Hello, old friend.”

“ Been a long time, Light-o. Is Kira back?”  Ryuk asked as he hovered behind Light in the closet.

Light barely acknowledged him. “Just for the moment. Some justice needs to be served.”

Ryuk watched over his shoulder as Light wrote down the name of Mello's dad. He didn't write any special instructions. There was no elaborate death. He wanted the man dead as soon as possible with as little attention as possible. He didn't deserve another thought after this. 


	11. Funerals and Dating Aps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light and L attend the funeral of Mello's dad. Light discovers he has a Grindr profile

“Dad!  DAD!” 

Even though Light knew why L was calling for him frantically, Light still raced out of his room to his son like he was worried. “What?”

“Mello just called. His dad died!” 

“Oh, wow. How's Mello holding up? I should call Misa.”  Light had always had a proclivity for lying, but he’d never lied to his son before.  Any guilt he might've felt over it was eclipsed by his triumph in  being convincing.  Pulling out his phone, Light sat at the kitchen table and sipped a fresh cup of coffee as  he listened to Misa  say _ good riddance  _ to the bastard. Light kindly reminded her that he _ was still  _ Mello’s father.  That didn't do much to change her mind, though her heart went out to her son because he'd been holding onto hope that his father would get better one day. Now that would never happen.

“He’s been crying all afternoon,” she whispered into the phone. “I'm honestly surprised it's affecting him so much.”

Light sighed heavily into the phone, “Would seeing L cheer him up or does he need time alone?”

“I think he needs L.”

Light sighed again. He really didn't want to drive over there but he felt obligated. Besides, he and Misa needed to talk about last night.  _ Ugh.  _ He was going to need a lot more coffee first. Light hung up the phone and told L to get dressed.  L requested they stop to buy Mello some chocolate and Light agreed, thinking it was a good idea. Hopefully Mello would feel better having his boyfriend around.

Misa answered the door as cheerfully as she could but she looked spent. Her blond hair was pulled back messily,  loose, comfortable lounge wear adorned  her tiny frame. “Mello is in his room, dear,” she said to L. Looking at Light, who was just as bad off as she, she smiled weakly, “Coffee?”

“Please.”

With chocolate in hand, L knocked softly on Mello’s bedroom door before pushing it open slightly. Mello was sprawled out on his bed, sniffling into his pillow. “Mel’s?” L called out sweetly.

The yellow haired boy lifted his face, turning a red, tear saturated frown to L.  He sat up and wiped his eyes. “I'm so glad you're here,” he choked out.

L made his way to the bed, setting the chocolate on the nightstand as he sat and enveloped Mello in his arms. They laid together on top of the covers, L planting loving kisses on Mello's red face as he held him.

Eventually, Mello  spoke.  “I know he was a bad man, but  I didn't want him to die.” 

“It's okay, Mel.  He was still your dad. You still loved him.”

“It's just that… now I'll never… I'll never know if he loved me!”  Mello burst into tears all over again and L pulled him tight against his chest.

“I'm sure he did. In his own way, he did.  He had a lot of demons, Mello. That doesn't mean he didn't love you.”

Mello quieted and eventually dozed off. L wasn't tired, but he didn't want to leave his boyfriend either. Instead he laid there, thankful in a strange way that he wasn't born yet when his father died.  He often wondered what his dad was like, but he couldn't exactly miss someone he never knew. Besides, he had Light. He'd been an excellent father.  If L ever lost him, though… oh, he'd never get over that.

Light peeked his head in to check on the boys and see if L was ready to go. It had been easy enough reinstating normal friendship boundaries with Misa again, thankfully.  She felt just as foolish as he did, and apologized for her own behavior.  Light thought she was quite the woman, and if he were straight he could see himself with her. As things were, however, she was really his very best friend, and he liked it best that way.

Light and L made their way home, Light passing out on the couch the moment he sat down to watch TV with L. L threw a blanket over his dad and shook his head.  His dad sure was full of surprises.  Maybe he'd start dating again. L wondered what it would be like to have a stepdad. Hopefully he would be cool. Maybe he'd have kids L could be friends with. Maybe they'd like horses ad much as he did. That would be pretty cool, L thought.

While his dad slept, L took it upon himself to create Tinder and Grindr profiles for Light. Either this would work out famously or his father would be really pissed off. It was worth the risk. His dad was an attractive man if he did say so himself! Light had a lot to offer someone. He was kind, handsome, a good dad, smart,  and fucking _ rich.  _ Eh, he'd leave that bit out. Gold diggers need not apply.

It shouldn’t have surprised him when Light began getting messages instantly. Curious, L opened the first few, but when he saw the dick pics, L nearly threw the phone. How grotesque!  Curiosity got the better of him, however, and he picked the phone up again.  Maybe it wasn't as gross as he thought…L decided to download the apps on his phone and stay logged into his dad's account so he could keep tabs on things.  He just wanted to make sure Light was being safe. Yeah, that's why he did it.

***

“What the _ fuck _ is this?!” Light rarely swore. He rarely yelled. He was currently doing both.

“Don’t be mad,” L started, hands out as he tried to explain. “I set up profiles for you. I thought it would be good for you to start dating again.”

Light huffed as he looked from his phone to his son and back again. It was honestly sweet that his son wanted him to date again. Surely he was ready, right? L was right, after all. He'd be going to college soon and Light didn't want to be alone. “Alright, I'll give it a shot.”

“Yes!” L was excited. This was a big step for his father. Maybe there was a happily ever after for him out there somewhere. It gave L an excited sense of relief. The excitement was for the adventure that was his dad back out on the dating scene. The relief came from knowing his dad would be okay without him. That's all he could really hope for.


	12. The Past Is Haunting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light remembers his transgressions and they eat at him

Misa was practically falling over drunk at the funeral for Mello’s father. Nobody said anything, they understood. Light helped  hold her up and walk her to her car. She bitched that Mello’s sperm donor  had taken up way too much of her time and attention,  _ God  _ _ damnit _ _!  _ Light just nodded as he shuffled her inside her car before she could make a scene.

After the burial, she turned to Light, “ Margaritas at the Mexican restaurant?”

She _ really  _ didn't give a damn, and it was almost comical to Light. “Sure. Better eat some actual food too.”

Mello had held it together for the most part, L holding his hand in solidarity. His mother's antics didn't bother him. He knew she was coping in her own way. She was hurting too. At the Mexican restaurant, Light slid the chips and dip in front of Misa the moment she ordered a pitcher of  margaritas. He'd need one just to cope with her ridiculousness. 

Misa seemed a bit better after food arrived despite downing two rather large drinks. Light forced water on her and L tried coaxing Mello into eating anything at all. He had minimal success as Mello ate little more than a bite of refried beans. At least Misa was eating and drinking water, though begrudgingly.

Light and L made sure their friends made it home safely. Mello tolerated a hug and kiss from L, but was otherwise quiet and reserved. It was so unlike him and L hoped he got his boyfriend back soon. He'd wait however long it took, he knew. Mello was worth it.

Feeling a little adventurous after drinking, Light decided to unwind with a glass of red wine while L went off to bed.  He'd been talking to a few guys on his apps but  hadn’t met with anyone yet. Soon, maybe. It made him nervous.  It _ also  _ kind of made him horny, seeing these flattering messages. In all honesty he didn't mind the  unsolicited dick pics, he just didn't find them very _ classy.  _ Men like that might be a good fuck but that's all. And honestly, a good fuck might be fun before he settled down again. Perhaps that was the wine talking, but Light wanted to let his hair down a bit.  He'd made enough painful mistakes with his late husband to know that he wouldn't do it again. It was hard to separate those guilty feelings sometimes, however.

Light curled up on the couch and held his knees, much like his husband used to do. “What would you think of all this, L?  Would you be upset with me? I just want to be faithful to you. I know I failed you…I know…”

_ “Shut up, Light. I just want you to be happy, you idiot.” _

“Were we happy?”

_ “Sometimes.” _

“I ruined it, didn't I?”

_ “We both had a hand in that, Light.” _

Light had come home from what he claimed was a long day running down a lead but L saw right through him.  L had been sitting on the edge of their bed in the dark, contemplating how to tell Light he  _ knew  _ and  _ had known  _ about the affair. He looked up at the lean silhouette in the doorway. “What are you doing in the dark?”

“Thinking.”

“What about?” Light smiled and joined him in the dark. 

“About how I know  _ why  _ you're cheating on me. It just fucking  _ hurts.” _

Light’s blood ran cold. There was no sense in continuing the farce. “How did you  find out? ”

“I'm a detective, Light. Not much gets by me.” L looked at him, pain in his eyes, “Do you want a divorce?”

“No!” Light panicked. “I'll end it. L, I'm so sorry.  I don't know how to make this right . The thought of losing you kills me…”

L looked down at the floor, “You had to know you might lose me the moment you started having sex with someone else.”

The words were cold and hit Light hard.  “I guess I thought I would get away with it. Have the best of both worlds. I'm an arrogant bastard at the end of the day, and I guess that hasn't changed.”

“It never will,” L said, staring at the wall now. “I knew what I was getting into when I decided to marry a murderer.  I'm no fool,  _ Yagami _ _.” _

Light cringed. L hid it well but he knew his detective husband was _ pissed.  _ “I'll do whatever it takes to make this right, L. Anything, please.” Light reached for L's hand but he pulled away.

“I can't be near you when you smell like _ him _ _.”  _ L stood. “You can stay in the house, but I want you sleeping in the guest room until further notice. You're fired, by the way.  Until I figure out whether or not I still want to stay with you, you're under house arrest. Understood?”

“ Understood.” Light gulped. This was going to  _ suck,  _ but he'd give in to every demand L had, no matter what it was.

In the following days, Light found an online therapist. L wasn't ready to join in on the sessions but told Light he might eventually. He knew he needed to work through his anger first. Light knew the reason he'd strayed, at least in part, was due to L's sex drive dying after going on medication. “I'm not saying it's his fault in any way at all. It's not.  But that's where it started for me. I missed sex and the intimacy it brought us and I began fantasizing, which turned into justifying it, which turned into _ actually  _ doing it. I want to never be in this position again, regardless of the state my husband is in.”

Light didn't know L was listening in to his conversation.  It hurt to know he'd contributed to this problem. The medication not only killed his sex drive, but it killed any desire to be affectionate at all. That wasn't fair to Light. Had he trapped Light in a loveless marriage? No. He loved him. Despite all the bullshit, he loved the crazy bastard. “I have to change too,” L thought out loud.

That night as Light was getting ready for bed in his guest room, L approached him shyly. “I, uh, wanted to tell you I spoke to my doctor today and I'll be trying a new medication that doesn't affect libido.”

L turned to leave but Light stopped him, “Thank you, L. ”

“Mmm,” L nodded and left without another word. Light was hopeful, though. It was an effort toward him, not away. It was an effort to save their marriage.

It would take months of therapy and the slow adjustment to the new medication for there to be notable improvement.  Slowly, L became more affectionate once again. It started with absently running his fingers through Light’s hair as they watched TV. Then he found himself wanting to hold Light's hand and sit close to him.  To Light’s surprise and delight, L kissed him goodnight after dinner. Light couldn't remember the last time L had kissed him.  It made him giddy like a teenager. 

Then one night not too long after that kiss , Light awoke to L pushing open his bedroom door. “What is it baby?” Light asked.

“I just need you,” L said as he crawled under the covers.

Light kissed him and held him and felt his heart might burst. He was getting his husband ba c k. Finally, after so much time, he was coming back. L broke the kiss and studied those fiery eyes he loved so much. “Make Love to me.”


	13. Questionable Ethics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L has a dirt little secret

Light had promised his son he'd talk to a therapist and he made good on that promise.  Now that Light didn't have a daily job and didn't have an irate husband to put him on house arrest, he found it wasn't a problem to see a therapist in person.  Tammy was older than him but poised, cared for herself well and always dressed nicely.  Her dark, short curly hair had a white streak, the only sign of aging she had.  Her thin frame was also pale, and in that way she reminded him just a little bit of his late husband.

“It's good to see you again. Have you thought anymore about what we discussed last time?” She asked.

Light nodded. He'd been seeing her for a little over a month now and already felt like he was making progress. “ Yes. I definitely believe my guilt over his death was compounded by my guilt over the affair I had a year prior to his passing. I thought I had gotten passed it but the trauma triggered it all over again. I've been working on separating the two and reminding myself that L forgave me long before he died.” Light felt himself choke up as he explained. It wasn't pleasant revisiting these memories.

“ Good for you. ” Tammy smiled softly, “ Let's play a game of sorts.  Imagine when you die, you're still yourself with all your feelings and you are able to watch your loved ones live on. If it were L who lived on and you who passed, wouldn't you want him to find someone? Wouldn't you want him to be happy?”

“Yes, definitely,” Light agreed.

“Then surely he would want that for you.  Don't deny him the gift of seeing you happy again, Light.”

He would've never considered his happiness  _ a gift  _ to anyone, and it was difficult for him to imagine it so. Yet, Tammy was right. It was a gift. It would make L happy to see him happy. If L was up there in the cosmos somewhere looking down, perhaps it made him smile to see Light fumbling with these stupid dating apps.

Every time Light left therapy he felt at least an inch taller. He'd forgotten what a confidence boost it could be. L noticed a difference in him too. He was proud of his father. The only issue L had was that he found himself _hating_ the fact his dad was dating. He couldn't figure it out. L hated every single guy his dad went out with. When Light asked his opinion, he often shrugged and said, “Meh, you can do better.” There were a few times he even told his dad he thought the guy was a sleaze ball. L wasn't exactly wrong about that either.

Eventually, Light became fed up with his son's nonsense.  “What's going on with you? You're the one who started this whole dating thing!”

L threw his hands up in frustration, “I'm jealous, okay?!  It's always just been me and you and I got all of your attention and now you're giving it to someone else and I'm jealous! There. I said it. I'm being a child and I'm jealous and I hate the way this feels.”

Light smiled, then chuckled a bit, then pulled his son into a hug.  “You’re still number one, you know that right? No guy I'm dating will _ ever  _ come before you.”

L nuzzled his father's shirt and breathed in his comforting scent. He closed his eyes and squeezed his dad tighter. “I know,” he mumbled into Light's shirt .

Light pulled away from his son and reached for his phone on the dresser. L stared on silently, mind a bit of a haze. Light smiled and looked at L. “I've cancelled on Gary. He has kids so he understands that you need me. Let's go get ice cream, shall we?”

L's eyes lit up and a wide smile spread across his face. “Yes! You're the best!”

Light couldn't help but think his son was a much better date than Gary anyway. Seeing him smile was worth the world.  Light enjoyed his usual  low fat frozen yogurt while L piled as many sprinkles onto his chocolate ice cream as humanly possible.  Light shook his head in amusement. He was just like his father in almost every way. The only thing different were the horses. Then again, maybe L would've enjoyed them had he grown up differently. 

L even enjoyed puzzles like his father, though he liked it in a different way. He explained once that horses could be puzzles,  especially ones with problems. Solving behavioral issues typically started with assessing the animals physical health and  going from there. Typically, “bad” behavior was simply a pain issue  that needed to be solved. The boy had a knack for  effectively and gently training his horses.  It would  be a while before he moved onto professional status and started training as a career. He didn't want to lose his amateur  status when showing just yet.

Light couldn't have been more proud of his son. He'd make a name for himself in the horse industry, of that Light was certain.  It was L's dream to be a trainer full time and Light would do everything he could to make that happen for his son. 

The evening ended with popcorn and Netflix before bed. So what if dinner consisted of mostly junk food? That was okay to do every once in a while.  It made watching TV all the more special. L started a popcorn throwing fight that ended in a huge mess in the living room.  For once, Light didn't care.  The vacuum took care of the mess before they headed off to bed. 

It had been quite a fun night, and Light fell asleep pretty quickly. L, however, pulled out his phone and flicked through the pictures he'd saved off his dad's dating apps. He knew he shouldn't, but it had become almost a nightly  ritual to jack off to the dick pics on his phone.  Before he got started tonight, however, he figured he should check if any new pictures had come through.  Sure enough, Gary had come through. “Damn, that guy needs to trim his bush.”  L scrolled through the conversation, giggling at the naughty messages between his dad and Gary. “Dad! You're turning into a slut!” L b lushe d bright red to read the message,  ** I'll suck you off in the parking lot next time we go to the movies  ** 😉 😘 **. **

Gary had responded with  ** Oh baby I need a pic now or I won't be able to settle down. **

And low and behold, Light had sent a picture of his own hard, throbbing cock with just a dribble of precome down the side. L dropped his phone and covered his face with his hands. Had he really just gotten an eyeful of his father's dick? L took a deep breath and uncovered his face. There was no going back now. Picking up his phone, he looked at it again. _Holy shit._ His dad was fucking _hung._ It was dirty and wrong and L hated himself, but he could feel his body responding to the picture. His pants grew tight and uncomfortable until he sighed and gave in. Leaning back on his bed, L pulled out his own cock and began stroking it as he looked on at his father's cock. His finger slipped a bit and scrolled further down, revealing a video. _No way._ Light had sent a video to Gary of him jacking off to completion. L watched and began stroking in time with Light’s strokes on the video, the groans his father made driving him crazy. _This is wrong! But it's so fucking hot!_

The camera panned up to Light's face, which was twisted with pleasure, his mouth slightly open.  _ Ugh,  _ it was _ beautiful.  _ He didn't look like his dad. He looked like an animal in that moment; carnal and all instinct and no remorse for his prey. And _ oh  _ how L wanted to be his prey. L increased his pace, wrist burning as he bought himself closer to the edge.  _ Come on, come on!  _ He didn't want to come first, but he didn't feel like he could control it. “Ah!” he shouted as he came,  spurting onto his phone screen and hand. He fell back on the bed and panted heavily, ignoring the mess. He'd clean it up in a minute. Right now he needed to just lay still and accept the fact that he'd just come to fantasizing over a video of his _ dad.  _ Would he be able to look at Light the same after this?


	14. Sex and Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Mello finally sleep together, but it has consequences

Mello had been seeing a therapist since the week after his father's funeral. He'd finally told his mom his secret with the help of L. Of course she bawled, cursed the man, hugged her son, got incredibly drunk and went on and on about being a terrible mother. All in all it was a successful conversation.

Now came attempt two at being intimate for the young lovers. Light was out on a date so they had the house to themselves. L went the extra mile with candles and rose petals. Mello just laughed at it. He wasn't the romantic sort. L was, however. And he slowly kissed his boyfriend as he undid the buttons of his shirt. “I want you to tell me if you're uncomfortable with something, alright? We’ll take it slow. Remember, you have all the control,” L whispered between kisses.

“Alright,” Mello said, breathless as his skin tingled beneath L's gentle touch.

Clothing was slowly removed and allowed to remain in little piles on the floor.  The naked teens made it to the bed, Mello beneath L once again. This time, however, there were no tears. No outbursts.  Mello trusted L completely, and his love  shined brightly as he allowed L into his most vulnerable space without hesitation.

“Ah,” Mello panted out as his hands explored soft, pale skin. His hands settled on a firm, perky round ass and squeezed. Mello was delighted by the yelp he got from L.

L rocked their hips together tentatively, hoping the motion of grinding together their erections brought as much pleasure as he imagined. The look on Mello's face egged him on, and he moved faster and harder, placing his hand between them to help things along as they kissed and groaned into each other's mouths. Mello spread his legs and bent his knees, body begging for more contact.

Being young and excitable had its drawbacks, like coming quickly. Mello exploded between them wi th a cry as he dug his finger nails into L's back. L loved the sensation, and curiosity got the better of him as he bent between them to lick the come from Mello's abdomen.

Mello simply watched on in rapt  fascination, hands now fisting the sheets as his head spun from his orgasm.  L drew his tongue across salty, sticky skin before sitting up. “ Are you ready for more or do you need to stop?”

“More,” Mello breathed. He wanted more. Needed it. “ Please.”

Without dismounting, L leaned over and pulled the lube off the  nightstand. He squeezed a generous amount onto his fingers. Replacing the cap a he set the bottle on the bed as he reached between Mello's legs once again. “ You can tell me to stop at any time.”

Mello nodded in understanding and L kissed one of the bent knees before him as he circled the entrance with a finger. Mello relaxed and moaned at the pleasant sensation, and continued to seem relaxed as he enjoyed the insertion of the first finger.  L focused on how it felt warm and tight and soft. He wasn't sure what he was expecting but he could see why men  liked putting their dicks in there.

Mello hissed at the second finger and became rigid. L apologized and stilled as he kissed Mello’s belly. ”Should I stop?” L asked.

“No.”

Once Mello seemed relaxed again, L continued. It wasn't that he was experienced in prepping his partner, it was just that they'd done a lot of research. And whatever they couldn't find online, Light explained the best he could. It helped them feel well prepared for this adventure. 

Mello cried out and sat up when L tried for a third finger. While Mello didn't want to stop,  it definitely hurt to continue. L tried scissoring with just two fingers instead and hoped he had Mello open enough to take his cock.  “Ready?” L asked. Mello nodded. 

There was no going back now. They weren't children anymore.  In a moment, they would lose their virginity to each other in order to gain a whole new kind of understanding. The moment L penetrated Mello, they became something more, something new.

L would fumble and falter in his rhythm. Mello would lie about the pain. Only once would the prostate be found and pressed against.  L would come quickly but to Mello it would feel like an eternity.  Somehow, though, it was still glorious, and the boys would hold each other in the after glow.  They'd feel closer, bonded, more in love than  ever before. 

They would improve in the coming days and weeks. Mello would be sore so he’d try topping L, who seemed to enjoy it more than Mello. They'd enjoy the pleasure of oral as well, learning the value of a quickie when they weren't alone. It wouldn't take long for the boys to become experienced in the art of sex. The only problem was when school started back and a condom fell from an open pocket on L's  bookbag . 

He was mortified, of course, when the person who picked it up was the school’s biggest gossip. _Fuck._ Rumors about him being the school slut spread like wild fire. At least they didn't know he was gay and fucking another _guy._ Finding that out would be the end of him for sure.

Of course, high school being what it is and teenagers being how they are, it was only a matter of time before L and Mello were found out.  L opened his locker one morning to find a dildo inside with a note that said, “Go fuck yourself, fag” stuck to it.  _ Don't mind if I do,  _ L thought. He couldn't let a brand new, perfectly good dildo go to waste.

It wasn't until Mello showed up with a black eye and busted lip that it was no longer funny. Misa could be heard throughout the entire school raising hell about the kids who jumped her son. The principal was willing to promise her anything if she would _ just shut up.  _ He suspended the three kids who beat Mello and Misa got their parents contact information. She wasn't above filing a lawsuit to make a point. “Come on Mel, we’re going to the doctor to get you checked out.”

His injuries consisted of a cracked rib,  fractured eye socket, broken nose, and several bruises along with his busted lip. He was thoroughly x rayed and everything documented. Misa would have her day in court. She was out for blood.

When they got home, L was waiting for them on their front porch bench. He’d been sitting  there worrying since school let out. As soon as the car pulled into the drive he jumped to his feet and hurried down the steps. The sight of Mello was shocking.  _ All this because we're gay?  _ He thought back on his conversation with his father a few years ago. People were unnecessarily cruel. All this hate simply because they loved each other? What kind of sense did that make? 

Mello hugged L weakly and they both made their way inside. Mello just wanted to sleep. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to think about it. It was embarrassing getting beat up in front of the whole school while everyone watched and nobody helped him.  L would've stepped in had he been there, but Mello was glad he wasn't. L would've just gotten his face punched in too.


	15. Devastation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L is devastated by some horrible news

Light was enraged.  So much so that when his seventeen  year old know it all, do whatever he wanted son got home from school that day, it was all Light could do not to strangle him. Instead, he sent L to his room more for his own safety than punishment. Light needed to cool down before talking to L. He paced his living room with balled fists as he tried to reason with himself. It would be an hour before he saw anything straight.

Softly, Light tapped on L's door. “We need to talk.”

L looked up from his homework, “Dad, I'm sorry.”

“I don't want to hear it. I'm not sure how you thought you wouldn't get caught. I know I made it clear that you are _ not  _ to ride in the car with Mello driving. I'm so angry with you right now, but I'm trying to be reasonable.” Light sat on L's bed as his son hung his head. “You guys are too young to be driving. I think Misa is insane for letting Mello drive. ”

“I know Dad, I'm sorry.”

“I try not to impose too many rules on you.  I want you to have freedom and responsibility, and make good decisions for yourself.  But when I explicitly say _ not  _ to do something I expect that rule to be obeyed.”

“I understand.” 

“I think you need to be grounded for at least a week.  I'm doubling your chore list and banning you from the barn.”

L couldn't look at his dad. He wanted to protest, but stopped himself. Instead he wiped his eyes and sniffled.  It was only a week, and if he kept his mouth shut and took his punishment seriously, Light might shorten his sentence. 

Light stood to leave, “I love you very much, and I couldn't bear it if something happened to you.”  Light couldn't go on, he'd become too emotional if he said anymore. L knew losing his father in a car accident had been traumatic for Light in so many ways. This was Light’s one hang up. No teenage drivers. Misa or another trusted adult could drive him anywhere he wanted to go.  But children with underdeveloped brains who were easily distracted and inclined to making stupid, impulsive decisions were non negotiable.  Not only had L broken the one real rule Light imposed on him, but he completely disregarded Light’s feelings by doing so. The kid had no idea what real loss felt like, and he hoped L never did.

Being grounded meant no electronics besides computer use for school. Light put a lock on L’s laptop so it automatically shut off after an hour of use and wouldn't be accessible again until the next day. Even television was off limits. None of that bothered him, however. No, what bothered him was Light confiscating his phone. He tried not to show his distress when Light took it, but he was terrified of his dad going through his phone. _If he finds out I have pictures of his dick on my phone I'm dead,_ L thought. He could hardly concentrate with the ball of anxiety growing in his belly. Hopefully his dad tossed it on his dresser and forgot about it.

Light would've done just that had his son's phone not shown a Grindr notification.  _ What the fuck?  _ He certainly hoped his son was not on that app. He was far too young and vulnerable to be using it.  The truth, however, was much worse. L had both  Light’s Tinder and Grindr profiles on his phone.  Upon further investigation, Light found where L had downloaded dick pics, including Light’s own. His stomach turned with disbelief as he sat on his bed. He hadn't dealt with his own secret feelings about his son after that night with Misa, and now he learned his own son had a special folder in his phone dedicated to Light's penis.  It seemed there was something terribly wrong in their relationship.

Light set the phone down and covered his face. What the hell was he to do? He'd been afraid to have sex again since that night with Misa because he didn't want to know whether he'd fantasize about L again or not. Now it seemed like his son was secretly fantasizing about him! He couldn't deny the sick pleasure it brought him to know that. In a way it was flattering. Yet he wanted to vomit because this was his _son._ The baby whose diapers he changed. The kid whose scrapes he kissed. The kid he tucked in bed and read stories to and comforted when he was scared. This was his _child._

“I could really use your help, L.”

_ “I'm always here for you.” _

“I've really gone and fucked things up.”

_ “How? You have feelings you haven't acted on.  _ _ Nothing is fucked up, Light. It's all in your head.” _

“What do I say to our son?”

_ “ _ _ That you love him no matter what he's going through, and you'll figure this out together.” _

“I love you, L. I miss you everyday.”

_ “I love you too. Now go to him.” _

Light wanted to get this out of the way quickly. They'd go see a therapist.  _ Something.  _ Anything. This wasn't right. Light stood to go confront L when his phone rang. “Misa? What is it?”

At first he couldn't make out what she was trying to say. Her sobs were out of control. She screamed, hysterical, and Light made out the words _he's gone, Light. Mello just died_. Light’s heart dropped. Mello had gotten into a car accident and died on impact. _No. This cannot be happening._ Light’s head spun. “L,” he whispered. “We’re coming over, Misa. You shouldn't be alone.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to let everyone know that I love and appreciate all feedback that is helpful, heartfelt, or constructive. After a long discussion with some disheartened readers on a Facebook group, I've decided to mention in each fic I write that I will NEVER give a shitty response to you. So, whether your comments are two words or two paragraphs, they are welcomed and appreciated so deeply here. ❤


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